Dating would probably be easier if I actually went out on a date

Friday I was supposed to meet this guy for dinner, whether it was supposed to be a date or not... I'm not entirely certain. Either way, I cancelled... I was tired and I don't know, I guess not particularly interested in going. Nothing against the guy really, he's very nice, attractive, has a good job blah blah blah but eh. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for coffee after I get back to the train station. This was another would be date that I have managed to scale back to "hey let's just hang out and chill or whatever". I'm really good at that. Dating, in general, makes me nervous so I don't really like it. I'm also not particularly good at small talk, so that can kind of be an issue. Ahhh I don't know. I know what I want and perhaps that's the worst part. I'm thinking I need to settle a little... compromise maybe. I don't want to settle though. I should just get another cat.

Sometimes things get a little frustrating, sometimes they get a little confusing

Almost always they seem to be both at the same time. My internship is now not starting until the 6th of February which IS okay. It just means that I will have to do 13 hours a week instead of 10 to make up for lost time. My textbooks... were mailed to another student and it seemed as if they would never get here. We are now in the 3rd week of the semester and I was pretty ready to go to the book store demanding that they fix this. I need to my books in order to do any of my homework. My books finally arrived today. The mail person, however, placed them on top of the bushes outside of my house... in snow... by the time I saw it the packaging had soaked up all of the water and on of my books is all weird and wavy right now. Hopefully it's not ruined. Anyway, at least I have them so I can do my work. I had an Italian exam yesterday that, through no fault but my own, I was rather ill prepared for. Lately my get up and go seems to have gotten up and left... with out me. Mainly I've just felt pretty defeated, not having my books, not being able to start the internship, and job woes. It's as if every step forward is thwarted by life.

So that's the current frustration aspect of my life. My love life is the confusing part. Naturally. I'm pretty sure I am almost always confused about my love life, or lack thereof for that matter. Things with the on again off again guy are off again it seems. I haven't heard much from him lately. I have no clue what is going with the BFF, what's going to happen when he comes home, etc. I try not to think about it much, it makes me very nervous and anxious and my heart does weird things. In the meantime, I've been asked out by two different guys so there's that. I said yes, not because I have any real particular interest in either of them but because I don't know what is going on and I can't come up with a good reason to not go out for dinner with someone. I know it's a bit awful of me, I'm most likely leading them on but I really just want to be around people. Have some conversation that is not through text, skype, or facebook. I want to talk about books and things. I want someone to see me. I've been feeling pretty invisible lately.

So that's that I guess. I've dealt with things lately how I normally do... I have baked things, cookies to be exact. So many cookies. So many delicious cookies.

Spring semester and the next five months

Tomorrow marks the start of the spring semester. I'm taking 5 classes and also doing an internship. HOPEFULLY, I survive this. I'm pretty excited though, it's my last semester (hopefully), unless I decide to take an extra semester while I get things sorted out so I can apply to grad school. That is very likely. I have no clue what I am doing and where I am going. It's kind of also exciting. I will most likely have no life for the next five months since my schedule is bond to be crazy, but I'm okay with that.

In about five months time one of my best friends will be back in this area and for that I am also really excited. I got to spend some time with him over this weekend which was really nice. He makes me feel okay on the inside, ground. I also got to spend time with his mother, and grandmother and saw one of our friends that I haven't seen in like 9 years. It was crazy. I might have also done something impulsive... It will be interesting to see how it unfolds, because there are always repercussions to actions. I don't regret it, on the contrary it's something I wish I had done sooner.

"Close your eyes and think of someone you physically admire and let me kiss you"

I've given up. done. I just can't. I've probably once again held on to hope longer than I should have, but at least I tried. Which is more than I can say about other parties involved. I'm tired of the push and pull. The back and forth. Either you make up your mind and you're in, you take the risk with me or not. Obviously the answer is not. And... you know, that's okay because it is hard on me doing this whole back and forth thing. One minute being missed and longed for and then the next minute being held at a distance. Being upset about it won't change a thing, it'll just make me feel sad and I am already feeling that.

In other news, I am still procrastinating on my term paper and my final exam. Everything is due tomorrow. I got this.

So it's 333am..

And I gave up on finishing my final tonight about an hour ago. I'm almost done. It just sucks because I also have a term paper to start and finish in about 3 days now. Which again, isn't bad because I know myself. I'll be starting it the night before it is due anyway. Not because I want to though... it's just what I do. I hate that I procrastinate. I try very hard to stop myself but I just seem to come up with new ways to productively procrastinate. I learned this past semester that this behavior is called self-handicapping. That it generally happens when it's a project that you care about, you don't want to do poorly but you are so anxious about doing poorly that you put it off. If you do well, it reenforces the behavior, and if you don't... well you could have done better if you had more time. There are also some elements of self-fulfilling prophecies at work too. I wonder how much of life is affected by self-fulfilling prophecies? Probably more than we think...

Oh, also... the other night I dreamt a friend of mine was getting married. It was mildly upsetting. It's interesting how my course work infiltrates my dreams. This winter course is all about intimate relationships, so every dream I've had lately has pulled forth memories of every intimate relationship I've had. This one makes me sad though, we are rather distant now. Rightfully so, staying close would have been toxic. I miss him. He was a very important factor in my life, a brilliant friend. A bright spot.

Here's to new beginnings and fresh starts

Maybe this won't wind up like the plethora of half filled journals that now take up residence in my lime green suitcase. Maybe. I have a tumblr account as well. Though, that has become a wasteland of reblogs, any real updates ceased years ago. I guess this is my way to reclaim my thoughts because I like to think that I still have those from time to time.